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My daughter is going to turn 11 in September. She is an only child. The thing that concerns me most about her is that she is constantly longing for something. She goes to a public school (thank goodness), and is much more fortunate than all of her classmates. Instead of realizing how fortunate she is, she will take the one thing each friend has that she does not, and will be miserable about it. We are constantly arguing because she is ALWAYS "needing" something to be at par with a friend. I feel like she is never going to be happy. I was hoping to get her into some volunteering program 1 day a week after school. I would love for her to be a "big sister - mentor" to a younger child. Does a program like that exist in Chicago? Does anyone have a solution to my problem? I want to take care of it now before she grows up into a "shopaholic". Thanks.

Does your child earn an allowance? If you set specific amounts to buy school clothes and shoes and she has to earn her own money for things she 'needs' that might make her value them a little more. 11 is old enough to do some serious chores. I think volunteering is a great idea- but she should want to do it and have input for what program it is, rather than you just choosing something and making her go do it.

 Another thing I would do is REALLY emphisize the difference between needing something and wanting something. Recently my son watched 'Idol Gives Back' on tv and saw many examples of kids who are direly in NEED. Afterwards we had a long discussion about how that translates to his 'wants' for a new toy or cd, etc. and what the same amount of money could buy for a truely needy child. He was particularly blown away by Forrest Whittaker's report that $12 for a malaria net and two pill treatments could keep a child safe from the disease. He pointed out that our family had spent more money than that going out for ice cream the weekend before. We're going to start a donation fund and ask ourselves what we WANT versus what we NEED and try to remind each other of that choice and what it can mean for other people.

 So I think you can teach children to be more mindful, but you have to also set the example- how often do you get things you 'want' and don't 'need'? We all justify our own wants. But also, no matter what you try to do to get your daughter to adjust her attitude about this, she is probably going to keep bugging you and whining at you. I think all you can do is be strong and don't break down and give her what she wants just because she pesters for it. Hang tough and set a good example and she'll eventually get it!

I agree that volunteering is a good route. And I agree that it should be a program that you select together...and do together. Rather than her having a child to mentor, I'd suggest that you, and other adults, mentor her first.  Your modeling of compassion and community service is so important for her to experience and you are her best teacher. Developmentally, she may not be ready to mentor another child, particularly a child from another culture or community, until she has experience and some concrete tools, which she will pick up alongside adults working at a PADS program, cleaning toys at a shelter, planning and running a charity garage sale, collecting books to donate to the Infant Welfare Society, doing yard work for an elderly neighbor each week, etc. 

In terms of always wanting this or that, most kids eventually develop the ability to delay gratification. Some kids do it earlier and more fully than others. But practice and again, modeling,  is a good thing. So make it a point to say things like, "Yes, that movie looks great. Let's wait two weeks and see if we still want to go!" Or, "I really want to read this book. I will have to stop by the library and order it" (rather than picking it up at Borders). 

 When she requests an item that a friend has you could say, "That sounds interesting, but that is not something that our family is able (or willing) to buy." And explain why (insert desired item) doesn't fit your values or budget.  Could she borrow the item from the friend, if it is appropriate and something you don't object to? And loan the friend something she enjoys. 

 Also,  we have a rule in our house that if something comes in, something has to go out (donate). So, if we pick up some clothes for the kids (and we actually get a lot of hand-me-downs and items through www.Freecycle.org) then the children go through their clothes and select items to donate to a shelter.  Same goes for the adults.  

This might be pushing it, but how about for her birthday she collect new books to donate to a children's hospital or clinic for children with special needs, rather than receiving presents? You and she could research options and deliver the books together! (I have leads if you need them!)

Good luck!!