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Divorce certainly isn’t something we expect when we marry, but when things don’t turn out as we planned, and when adjustments in expectations or circumstances are not possible or are insufficient, sometimes a decision to divorce is made.  

When this happens, someone has to tell the children.

It’s hard enough for adults to make sense of divorce, no matter who initiates it.  Imagine what it’s like for a child?

Imagine how it feels to have the two people you love most in the world decide that they no longer love each other enough to live together.  Perhaps you already know what this feels like.  What do you wish your parents had said to you?  How do you wish they had said it?  What questions did you have when your parents divorced?

It’s helpful if divorcing couples can collaborate on how to deliver the news and do it together, with all of the children present.  While this may not seem possible to you now, consider that doing so would send a strong message to your children that you intend to continue working together for their sakes.  Not sure you’re in a place to pull this off?  A mediator or therapist can support you in deciding how to do it, which can be particularly helpful in acrimonious situations. 

Hostility needs to take a time-out during this delicate discussion with your children.

Your children will want to know why the divorce is happening.  Be honest but discreet.  They don’t need to hear everything.  Many children wonder if divorce is their fault, so it’s extremely important to tell them that nothing that they did caused your divorce and nothing they could have done would have prevented it.  

Children whose parents divorce also commonly worry, “If my parents stopped loving each other, will they ever stop loving me?”

The first time you discuss your divorce with your kids will be a time for tons of reassurance.  Let them know that you both will always love them.  You may not be staying married, but they will always be your children.  Tell your kids what you know about the specific changes they can expect, but resist the urge to assuage your own feelings of guilt by making any grand gestures or promises unless you’re absolutely positive that you can follow through on them.

Just as you are experiencing a myriad of confusing and shifting emotions, so are your children.  They may feel betrayed, and on some level might not even be surprised (some will even feel relief).  It will take time for them to adjust to this news, so be patient and understand that nothing they feel or express during this time will be irrational or abnormal (this does not mean that you shouldn’t respond to misbehavior, however, though a little bit of latitude is reasonable).  On the flip side, sometimes parents get very little in the way of a response, for a while.  Give your children time and space to sort out the news.  This apparent stoicism may shift in time.

Children will follow your lead about how to emotionally respond to your divorce.  It’s unrealistic that they won’t ever see you shed a few tears, but remember to never turn your kids into confidantes.  This burden can impede their adjustment to their own new circumstances.  While it can feel somewhat gratifying to disclose certain details of your divorce to your kids as a way of interpreting for them the truth of your breakup as you perceive it, remember that it’s usually in your child’s best interest to maintain a positive connection to his other parent, particularly his same-gendered parent.  Your children’s developing self-esteem can be greatly impacted by how he and others regard his same-gendered parent, so avoid speaking negatively about your ex in front of your children.

No matter how you talk to your children about your divorce – even if you manage to turn lemons into lemonade and spin your challenges into a grand new adventure – leave room for grief.  Divorce is not unlike a death:  it is the death of your family’s way of being in the world as you knew it, and you may all feel moments of tremendous grief for a long time.  There’s no statute of limitations on grief, so be patient and gentle with yourself and your children as you all try to make sense of this confusing transition.   Divorce may not be what you planned, but you can help your children to weather this change in your family.

Tips for Parents:

* There are several books for children which can help them make sense of their parents’ divorce, which can easily be find in bookstores and libraries.  My all-time favorite for younger kids is the picture book Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown, but I strongly caution you to pre-read anything you plan to share with your children: some books address topics relating to divorce that you may not be ready to discuss with your kids or which don’t apply to your particular situation.  No book will quiet all of the worries your children may have, but they can be a place to start, a sort of springboard into further discussion.  Sharing a book about divorce with your child communicates to him that his feelings are normal, that he is not alone with his worries, and that it’s okay to ask questions and to talk about his concerns. 

* Try, whenever possible, to inform older children (ten and older) of definite changes as early as possible (though waiting until later can work better with little ones), and make efforts to involve all of your children in any decision-making that can help them to feel some sense of control.  Once a new home has been chosen, for example, involve them in decisions about how to decorate their new bedrooms or other spaces.

–Jennifer DuBose, M.S., C.A.S., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Batavia.  and has been a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) since 1995.  She can be reached at 630.454.4047 or jenniferdubose@msn.com.

We’ve heard a lot about underage drinking and the consequences to parents who allow it to occur in their homes.  The possibilities include probation, jail time, and, in the case of a Deerfield, Illinois couple, the regrettable grief of having had a hand in the deaths of two teenagers who died in a car crash which occurred after the teens left a party that took place in their home.

I have a hunch that more than a few parents followed the story of this particular tragedy, which occurred in October, 2006 and took the lives of Daniel Bell and Ross Trace, with an uncomfortable awareness that it could easily have happened to them.  We try to be easy-going parents, always hip and cool, whose kids actually want to hang out at home with their friends.  At least we’ll know where they are, right?  But some parents believe that drinking is an inevitable rite of passage for teens and prefer that their children party with their pals at home. 

Proponents of ‘social host liability’ laws urge them to reconsider. 

The debate about parents’ responsibilities regarding their children’s alcohol consumption, and especially about whether they should be held liable for other people’s children if they imbibe in their home, rages on.  I find myself feeling compassion for everyone touched by this tragedy and others like them, in spite of mistakes that were made and opportunities that were missed.  Lessons can be learned which might save our own children sooner than we might realize.  With Prom and graduation season upon us there is no time like the present to decide how we’ll handle this with our own children. 

But we parents really need to develop a strategy for dealing with the drug and alcohol issue years before prom-time.

In a recent study, 64% of eighth-graders said alcohol is easy to get from their own homes without their parents’ knowledge, and 34% reported drinking at least once in the previous year.  My advice?  Talk early and often with your kids about substance use and abuse.  Don’t preach, but teach your children about drugs, alcohol and inhalants: what they look and smell like, and their permanent effects on developing brains, bodies, and emotional well-being.  Ask your kids about their goals.  Are they aware of how substances could interfere?  Rehearse with them ways to respond to friends’ invitations to use.

Be a good model.  Kids will imitate our actions, regardless of our words.  ‘Do as I say and not as I do’ just doesn’t cut it.  Also, realize that while it’s important to cultivate an easy rapport with our kids, understand that they already have friends.  What they need from us is parenting. 

Devise and discuss family rules about substance use and consequences for breaking them, (and rehearse how you’ll respond to your childrens’ efforts to push the limits!).  Suggestions:

• No drinking alcohol until 21.
• Leave teen parties if substances are present.
• Don’t ride in a car with someone under the influence.
• I (parent) will be available 24 / 7 to help, no questions asked.

Your kid wants to have a party?  Great.  Help him brainstorm alternatives to drinking and establish a few ground rules.  Some possibilities:

       *Agree on a guest list.  No crashers allowed.

       *If a guest brings substances or arrives under the influence, his parents or the police will be called.

You’ll have greater success if you collaborate with other parents in devising common policies.  This isn’t so far-fetched when you consider what you may already do.  You’ve made it your business to find out who your kid’s friends are, know their parents, and provide adequate supervision for the kids in your home.  Research tells us that unsupervised teens have more opportunities to experiment with risky behaviors and start abusing substances earlier.   This includes the hours immediately after school, when many teens are unsupervised.

I’ll never forget the advice of an old friend, a veteran mother of four.  She encouraged me to team up with other parents and to just listen.   Carpools are great opportunities.  Just sit in the front seat and shut-up, like a good chauffeur should.  Resist the impulse to interrupt or to raise a judging eyebrow, as you don’t want to burst the illusory bubble of intimacy that exists in the world of your backseat.  Simply pay attention.  Enjoy the giggling about crushes, and notice who tends to lead and who is more inclined to follow.   You might be surprised by what else you learn when the kids forget you’re there.  Consider the power of this ‘zone defense’ approach.   It worked on the playground when you and other parents took turns watching the older children and tending to your babies, and it can work now. 

As parents, we often feel powerless, somehow intimidated by the prospect of setting real limits on the substance abuse monster.  We’ve seen what happens when we don’t, though.  Sometimes children die. 

Parenting is a team effort.  Together we can make a difference. 

(Note: this is a re-post, as  it recently 'fell off' my blog (so how does that happen, anyhow?).  I think it's apropos for graduation and summer -time.)

–Jennifer DuBose, M.S., C.A.S., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist in private practice in Batavia, who has been a Clinical Member of The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy since 1995. 

You just never know when your kid will come out with one of those marvelous questions guaranteed to make your heart do a little jig.  The last time it happened to me we were out to dinner.  After being greeted by our server we were led to our table.  The greeting lasted five seconds, tops, but it made quite an impression on my eight-year-old. 

“Mommy, is that a boy or a girl?” Holly whispered, after our server left to retrieve a pitcher of water.

“You know what?  You’re very observant,” I replied, as my ten-year-old son, Noah, listened in.  “In fact,” I admitted, “I had the very same question the first time I met Eve.*   I learned that Eve is a man who wants to be a woman,” I simply explained.  I’d been enlightened by a friend of Eve’s, and I wanted my kids to understand that I wasn’t simply assuming that Eve was a transgendered individual (someone assigned a sex, usually at birth and based on his genitals, who feels that this is a false or incomplete description of himself so he identifies himself with the opposite gender).

Apparently satisfied with my explanation, Holly shrugged and turned her attention to her menu and made sure that I understood that she wanted the green soda this time.  I did ask the kids if they had any other questions.  They didn’t, so I left the subject alone, for now.   I knew the wheels were still turning, but they were ready to move on.  I’ve learned that children seem to require time to digest information, a few bits at a time.

Many parents wonder how to recognize that their child is ready for certain information.  Simply put, if he’s curious enough to ask for it, he’s ready.  A good rule of thumb is to answer the actual question at hand, dispensing a few details at a time so he can absorb them.  Your kid’s eyes glazing over?  This is a strong clue that you’re heading into “TMI (too much information) territory,” as Noah likes to put it, so further discussion should be tabled for a while.

Some parents believe that no time is a good time to discuss certain subjects they consider taboo, however.  You may be able to redirect a child’s attention temporarily, but be aware of the downside of putting off these discussions for too long or refusing to address them at all.  After all, whose voice do you want him to hear?  He’s bound to get his questions answered one way or another.  If your voice is there in the mix your child will stand a much better chance of being well-informed, confident about how to handle sticky situations, and, in some cases, safer.  This is especially true when it comes to topics like substance use and sexuality, which have relevance way before kids hit Middle School, these days. 

Before you can take a stand on any issue or offer any guidance to your kids, however, you need to get your own questions answered. 

I’ve found that reference librarians are fabulous resources for materials on any subject about which your kids may conjure questions, but make sure you read the books before deciding which ones to share with your kids.  You’ll want to make sure the authors’ values jive with yours and that you don’t expose your kids to details you or they aren’t ready to delve into yet. 

I come from the ‘knowledge is power’ school of thought when it comes to furnishing kids with information, and believe that the same principle applies to parenting.  Once you’re armed with information, your kids’ barrage of questions will feel less like bullets and more like opportunities to appreciate and encourage their burgeoning curiosity about their bodies, other people and the fascinating world in which they live.  These are precious moments when you get to contribute to the spiritual and emotional growth of your children.

* Name changed for privacy reasons.

I became a mother over a decade ago.  A few blunders and lessons later I’ve come to some startling conclusions, which I’ve written about over the years and dusted off to share again in honor of Mother’s Day.

For starters, I learned early on that bringing Happy Meals to the playground apparently breaks the ‘sisterhood of mothers’ code.  Who knew? 

Another tip?  Don’t let your six-year-old daughter take orders for more boxes of Girl Scout cookies than you’re willing to deliver by yourself, after she poops out and announces “I don’t wanna go.  You do it Mommy, I’m staying home.”  You won’t look so hot in that brown vest the Brownies are required to wear, anyhow. 

Don’t win at Battleship unless you can stand to see your kid sulk for hours.  Oh, and don’t lose either, or you’ll be accused of throwing the game to make him feel better.

Trying to lull the kids to sleep at bedtime?  Don’t crack jokes.  Even really good ones.  And once they finally do close their eyes, don’t pop the popcorn until you’re positive they’re really down for the count – unless you’re willing to share. 

When checking your kid’s math homework, don’t get the answer wrong and then make your kid crazy turning himself inside-out trying to figure out the answer that works in your sick, mathematically-challenged little world – especially if he got it right in the first place.

Another thing I’ve learned since becoming a mom?  Our kids are gonna dish-out more “I hate you” ’s than “I love you” ’s, so we’d better soak up affirmations when they do appear –  even if they’re issued from unexpected sources, like the angel disguised as the dairy guy at the grocery store.  “You’re awesome,” my dairy-angel said after I had Noah crunch the numbers and decide whether it made more sense for us to buy string cheese by the package or individually.  Truth is, I was having trouble quickly multiplying on my own (yeah, big shocker), but I’ll take my compliments any way I can get ‘em.

“Mom,” Noah said recently, “you put your shirt on backwards, and inside out.  You’re crazy and dysfunctional, but in a good way,” he added, lucky for him.  I’ve decided that’s a compliment, too. 

Before he caught on, Noah called me a superstar. He was five, and I’d reached the ‘superstar’ level of the on-line version of Wheel of Fortune.  Those were the days.

I think all moms are superstars, even in our less stellar moments, because we’re there for our kids. Here’s to you, sister.  When they were small we could recite every word of their favorite books, knew just how to rock them to sleep and didn’t mind the dampness on our shirts from our babies’ breath.  We still pause to drop pebbles into puddles, can turn a meltdown around on a dime and, when we’re at our best, are keepers of wonder for our children. We help them with their homework, make sure they brush their teeth, and show up to cheer until long after our throats hurt, the sun sets and our backsides ache from the bleachers.

We’ve learned that one-size-fits-all approaches to parenting often miss the mark, and that sometimes all we can do is just grab our kids and pull them close for a quick squeeze and an “I love you, I’m proud of you.” We’re not fooled by their squirms and scowls.  It matters and they hear us, even if they don’t want to let on. 

We’re willing to make the difficult, sometimes unpopular decisions, and in those tough moments when our most important job feels like a thankless one, we bear in mind that ‘this too shall pass.’ But not too quickly, please, because way too soon there will come a day when our little boys with their endearing rat’s nest hair won’t be home to plead for a later bedtime and our precious daughters won’t be around to make our heads spin by shouting demands down the stairs one minute and sneaking up on us for snuggles the next.

Ah, there’s the rub.

Being a mom is hard work, so take care of you, okay?  I recall being so sleepy from Holly’s feedings that I accidentally brushed my teeth with Desitin. That’s hitting bottom, if you will.  Don’t blow off "me" time like I sometimes did or you just might find yourself with a mouth full of butt paste to show for it. 

A mom’s life is full of surprises, and opportunities to learn some really nifty stuff.  Have you ever considered why maggots stop wiggling when they’re used as ice-fishing bait?  And can you pick up and kiss a bullfrog without getting peed on (it’s all in the wrist)?  Speaking of pee, do you know how to get a 100-pound sleepwalker to pee into the potty without missing his target? 

Motherhood certainly isn’t for sissies – or fashion snobs. 

Have you heard the word that you really can pair red and white striped leggings with a tie-dyed shirt and a fuchsia scarf worn as a belt over a cheetah-print skirt after Labor Day (soccer shin-guards optional)?  I used to make comments like “And Holly picked out her own outfit today,” to friends I worried would wonder.  Eventually I got over myself and shut up. 

Parenting is quite an education. 

Thanks to my kids’ queries, I now know how cheese wheels are formed, and can tell the difference between chemtrails and contrails, but my favorite lesson of all?  When he was two, Noah taught me how to make “twinkle soup” in our muddy sandbox.  Who needs Happy Meals, anyway?

You've seen it happen.  The guy in charge explains that each child is allowed to keep up to seven plastic eggs, and then you watch -- as one after another they dart past you with dozens, scurrying to grab more, while you remind your own kids that they may keep only seven.

"But Mommy, those kids have a ton," Noah protested.

"I know, honey," I said, gritting my teeth.  “No matter what someone else does, you still need to do the right thing.”

"What's wrong with these parents?" my husband mumbled, shaking his head.

At one point, weary of watching my kids hunt through the hedges, their chances of meeting the seven-egg-limit dwindling, I actually heard myself saying to an older kid (who looked to be pushing the upper age-limit of ten years) "Hey man, only seven per customer."

"I know," he replied weakly, as he avoided my eyes and dragged his haul past me through the grass at Cantigny Park in Wheaton, where hundreds of kids were on hand to participate in Cantigny’s first Easter Egg Hunt two years ago. 

I scrunched up my eyes and silently wished him well, hoping that somehow, someway, he’d remember to share.  Or that his bag would tear and the extras would slip out.  Maybe, if we followed him … But I digress. 

"They're not going to let them fill their extras anyhow," a passing woman remarked, which reminded me that the plastic eggs were empty, to be filled by Cantigny staff waiting with the goodies inside the Visitors Center.

Her comment reminded me that at least at this egg-hunt, the fast-grab for the loot wouldn't matter in the end, because the fast-grabbers wouldn't be allowed to go home with more than their share.  How forward-thinking of the Cantigny staff.  Kudos to them.

If only this happened more often in real life:  You get only what you need, then you need to get your entitled butt out of the way and let someone else get some.

It occurs to me that this little Easter Egg Hunt is really a metaphor for life.  Do you grab more than you need?  Do you allow your children to?  If you find that in your excitement you have unwittingly done so, why not slow down and summon the courage and humility to share a few of your extras with those who weren't as fortunate, quick or clever as you? 

It might have looked like a benign little egg-hunt, but you know what?  It was an opportunity in disguise.  Don't worry, there will be others.

(Originally posted here two years ago ...)

As part of my family therapy practice in Batavia, next month I’ll begin offering a new support group for mothers of babies.  ‘Mothercare’ sessions will be held on six consecutive Wednesdays from 10:00 – 11:30 a.m. beginning April 22^nd and ending May 27^th.  Participants’ experiences of and concerns about motherhood will be discussed, including adapting to motherhood, post-partum mood changes, the dynamics of role shifts in the family system and the surprising possibilities motherhood can inspire.  The fee for six sessions is $125 and babies up to twelve months of age are welcome. 

To inquire about the Mothercare group or other services please call me at (630) 454-4047 or e-mail me at jenniferdubose@msn.com.

–Jennifer DuBose, M.S., C.A.S., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Batavia.  She has been a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) since 1995.   

Planning to take your brood to the Magic Kingdom for spring break?  There’s no place like it.  It’s truly worth the extra planning and penny-pinching to get there, but after three exhausting days, two near-abductions and one high-speed waterslide wedgie I decided that Disney definitely isn’t for sissies. 

By all means, go.  Don’t let me scare you, but do take a lesson: my family’s recent Disney vacation was a little too much of a good thing – too much Mickey and not enough nappy. 

Let’s start with those seductive early-morning flights.  In a word, don’t.  They’re cheaper for a reason, folks.  If I had it to do over I’d go with my original instinct to sleep-in and take the mid-morning flight so we’d all have been better-prepared to tackle the theme-parks.  For better and for worse I had scored a highly sought-after lunch at Cinderella’s Castle for that very day, so in spite of our kids’ pleas to first take a refreshing break and swim at the hotel pool, off we went.  Cinderella waits for no one, not even Prince Charming.  Lunch was fantastic, but be warned: avoid over-scheduling dining reservations months in advance of your trip.  How can you possibly anticipate when and where you’ll be when hunger strikes? Don’t be a slave to your schedule or you just might need a vacation from your vacation. 

Another dining don’t?  One night I boldly scheduled a 9:30 p.m. dinner-theater meal at the famed Hoop De Do Musical Review.  I’d originally reserved a more civilized time, however we were running late and inquired about a later reservation because they strictly enforce billing the entire meal if cancelled fewer than 24-hours before.  Suffice it to say that I way overestimated my family’s emotional mettle.

We weren’t the only ones suffering from fun overload.  One afternoon, after the kids developed a serious case of the crankies we made a lame threat to hire Donald Duck to babysit.  Upon hearing our distress, another parent jokingly asked if he could share him and split the cost.

The moral?  Know your family’s limits.  If your clan is a hardy crowd of never-say-never roller-coaster enthusiasts with endurance to spare, knock yourselves out.  But what if you’ve got a few who aren’t?  Divide and conquer.  Those needing rest can enjoy some down-time while the others go off to conquer the coasters.  Noah and I struck out on our own one evening after Holly crashed early for the night and my husband stayed behind to rest.  The cool thing about leaving them behind is that we brought their tickets with us (plastic pass keys used in your hotel room, restaurants and theme parks) and scored double the number of fast-passes for the thrill rides.  I’ll try anything once!

The Aerosmith-themed 'Rockin' Rollercoaster' at Hollywood studios was my favorite (though Animal Kingdom's Yeti-themed 'Expedition Everest' was a total blast -- not to  be outdone by 'Thunder Mountain' in the Magic Kingdom, however ...), but I may have met my match in the 'Summit Plummet' waterslide at Blizzard Beach.  Twelve stories, 60 m.p.h. and eight seconds later I felt like I’d been pummeled by a dozen angry gorillas.  I limped away from that stupid slide, my bruised backside throbbing.

“Mom, wasn’t that awesome?” Noah asked.  He’d gone first.  “Mom?  Are you laughing?”

“No,” I whimpered tearily, as I struggled to yank an industrial-strength wedgie from my backside and return my bathing-suit skirt to a more lady-like position.  I swear I heard laughter.  What’s worse, one of those over-eager Disney picture-people had apparently captured my humiliation for posterity.

An hour later and still damp from my high-speed thrashing, I hissed at my daughter Holly to quit interrupting as I struggled to comprehend directions issued by the driver of an idling Disney bus.  Holly snuck past me to climb on to the bus so I grabbed her hand and held her back.

She tugged and implored “Please let go?”  Her voice was oddly unfamiliar, but I ignored her.  She finally gave up and looked beseechingly at my husband, willing him to make it stop.  I couldn’t believe my mistake.  It wasn’t even Holly!

Later that night I nearly did it again, as a cashier rang up my purchase and I wearily leaned in to embrace the child standing beside me (this one wasn’t even blonde, like Holly).  I stopped short when I realized my error and the child’s Mom chuckled and confessed to making the same mistake twice herself. 

On our fifth and final Disney-day Holly begged to take my picture, but I’d submitted to enough photo-ops by then.  She was persistent and quipped “It’ll be perfect, Mom.  Dreams do come true.” 

Sure thing, Tinkerbell.  Maybe next time.

If You Go: Tips for Maintaining Family Harmony

Pick one ‘can’t miss’ attraction for each family member, hit those first and remember: you just can’t do it all in one trip

Limit the number of meal reservations

No ‘Hoop De doo Review’ing past bedtime – yours or theirs 

Occasionally forgo the soda and fries and push water to keep your cool and stay energized

Daily rest-periods are non-negotiable.  Sitting while on a rollercoaster does not count!

Avoid long lines and more whines: start at the back of the parks and work your way forward 

Avoid overcrowded busses between Disney destinations.  Standing in the aisles is not a safe bet for tired tykes and their weary folks.

–Jennifer DuBose, M.S., C.A.S., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Batavia.  She has been a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) since 1995.  She can be reached at 630.454.4047 or jenniferdubose@msn.com.

Okay.  Step away from the computer, run outside and reclaim what’s left of your lunch hour or that reprieve you earned when you coaxed your baby into going down for a nap.  Come on now, it’s a sunny, fabulous day and you don’t want to miss it.

I’m a ‘throw open the curtains, get your butt out there and enjoy the sun’ kind of Mom, but sometimes I need to be reminded to soak some up rays for myself.  This morning at my chiropractor’s office, after I finally let the gossip magazine go slack in my lap, I closed my eyes and let the electrodes and ice pack repair my aching back while I simply sat.  A moment later I realized that my shoulders were becoming warm.  I’d been sitting with my back to the sun, a condition I quickly remedied.  The sun had found me in that quiet little room, and, like a plant leaning into its warmth, I decided that I would enjoy a little sunlight therapy while I was at it.  But the timer went off too soon and I left the office wanting more, so I skipped my errands and went home instead. 

I dragged an old chair out of the garage and leaned it up against the southern, sunny side of my house, found a cushion for my seat and an old wool blanket to drape over my lap against the February air and sat.   I closed my eyes and leaned back for a bit. 

What a treat.  In spite of the 20 degree air, I was warm as toast and pleased that there was nary a breeze. I soon became aware of all of the little sounds around me as I settled in.  The drip, drip, drip of the melting icicle that still clings to my roof, the chirping of various birds, and the mailman slamming the mail truck’s door mingled with the distant sounds of traffic ambling by on the next block.  

I admit that I peeked at my mailman, wondering if he noticed me sitting there in my snowy yard, but then I decided I didn’t give a hoot. I pushed the thought away as I took a deep breath and gave myself permission to relax. 

Being still is a funny thing.  Sometimes you don’t realize how tight your body is until you allow yourself to fully unwind.  If you ever give sun-sitting a try you might be surprised by what comes up.  It's not just your body's level of vitamin D (which depends on you getting a minimum of 10 minutes a day of direct sun exposure to flourish).  You may feel like stretching, so stretch.  You might discover the urge to yawn, or even find yourself taking a few deep breaths.  You may uncross your legs and unshrug your shoulders and goodness only knows what might bubble up to the surface.  For me, the solution to a minor conundrum suddenly became clear, though I hadn't sat down with the intention to find one.  I just sat, and that’s enough.

I feel like I made a fabulous re-discovery today.  I even felt inspired to pamper myself with a cup of herbal tea before returning to my desk.  It seems that a little self-care engenders more of the same, you know?   Whatever happened, I’m liking it.  I may need to add sunscreen to my routine, but my spirits are lifted and I feel energized enough to keep on with my day and keep up with my kids, so you, too, give it a try.  Come on, get on out there and catch some rays.

–Jennifer DuBose, M.S., C.A.S., LMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Batavia, and has been a Clinical Member of The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy(AAMFT) since 1995.  Got a question or concern you’d like her to address?  Nothing is off limits.  If you’re a parent and it’s on your mind, chances are you’re not alone.  Don’t suffer the wonders.  Send your questions to jenniferdubose@msn.com.  Your name and other identifying information will be kept strictly confidential.